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deMort
Shanghai


Joined: 21 Mar 2015
Posts: 4916
Location: Brighton


PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 6:16 pm    Post subject: One liners Reply with quote

How Long is a Chinese name.

Yes. Yes it is.


If you cut off your left arm

Your right arm will be left.


Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.”

Media: “Scientist claims his findings are meaningless.”


My wife called me saying three girls in the office have received flowers for Valentine’s day, and that they’re gorgeous.

I said “Well that’s probably why they got flowers then.”



On the train today I saw a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself: Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…”

But she did.



After my wife died I couldn’t look at another woman for 20 years.

But when I got out of prison it was worth it.



When I tell people that I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased.

Maybe I should find a better way of telling them that I wake up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own piss.



I was fired from my job today for telling a woman that her hair smelled great.

They’re just discriminating against me because I’m a midget.
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Mechanic

7pm - 9pm
At an Indy these days !
 
  
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Ratattak
Trainee


Joined: 17 Sep 2017
Posts: 78
Location: About 53°29'12"N 0°59'53"W


PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 6:23 pm    Post subject: Re: One liners Reply with quote

deMort wrote:


If you cut off your left arm

Your right arm will be left.



and I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
 
  
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alex yates
Brands Hatch
Brands Hatch


Joined: 06 Mar 2014
Posts: 13564
Location: The Ribble Valley, Lancashire

2000 Porsche 996 Carrera 4

PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Velcro.......it's such a rip off.
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2000 Manual 996 C4 Arctic Silver Convertible

Sun's out Gun's out.

 
  
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alex yates
Brands Hatch
Brands Hatch


Joined: 06 Mar 2014
Posts: 13564
Location: The Ribble Valley, Lancashire

2000 Porsche 996 Carrera 4

PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My girlfriend got flashed at off a bloke in a car. Police asked if he was in an erect state. She said no, a saloon.
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2000 Manual 996 C4 Arctic Silver Convertible

Sun's out Gun's out.

 
  
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FZP
Indianapolis


Joined: 18 Jan 2015
Posts: 2299
Location: Cheshire


PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Demort, you're like Niki Lauda with the one liners.....on fire!
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997.2 Carrera 2S GT Silver/Cocoa.
 
  
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alex yates
Brands Hatch
Brands Hatch


Joined: 06 Mar 2014
Posts: 13564
Location: The Ribble Valley, Lancashire

2000 Porsche 996 Carrera 4

PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hand
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2000 Manual 996 C4 Arctic Silver Convertible

Sun's out Gun's out.

 
  
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deMort
Shanghai


Joined: 21 Mar 2015
Posts: 4916
Location: Brighton


PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

FZP wrote:
Demort, you're like Niki Lauda with the one liners.....on fire!



Awww .. got me laughing that did .. then i felt guilty .. covers all bases lol .
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Mechanic

7pm - 9pm
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pzero
General
General


Joined: 18 Jul 2010
Posts: 4726
Location: London


PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For anyone wanting some comfort, a word can help. Plethora - it means a lot.
 
  
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pzero
General
General


Joined: 18 Jul 2010
Posts: 4726
Location: London


PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I lost a court case against a popular fabric softener - I fought Lenor, and Lenor won.
 
  
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easternjets
Albert Park


Joined: 29 Apr 2016
Posts: 1631
Location: Darlington


PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This isn't a one liner so sorry to go off subject.

Speech therapist is trying to cure 3 men in her class from stammering. After a few days she's losing patience with them so says 'look guys you've got 30 minutes to sort yourselves out, the first man who can say the name of a UK city without stammering will get a BJ off me'

All the guys go away and frantically practice, then come back into the room.

So says the teacher, one at a time, go on say the city name.
1st guy B... Bir...Min... Mingham Nope no good next

2nd guy M M Man..Chest... Er Nope no good next

3rd guy London Excellent you win come with me,

whilst he's getting his reward he blurts out Derry!
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997 Turbo Gen 2
997 Turbo Tiptronic S
Porsche 968 Coupe 1992
Porsche 928 S4
Porsche 911 3.2 Carrera 1985
 
  
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