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One liners

deMort

Well-known member
Joined
21 Mar 2015
Messages
11,244
How Long is a Chinese name.

Yes. Yes it is.


If you cut off your left arm

Your right arm will be left.


Scientist: 'My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: 'Scientist claims his findings are meaningless."


My wife called me saying three girls in the office have received flowers for Valentine's day, and that they're gorgeous.

I said 'Well that's probably why they got flowers then."



On the train today I saw a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself: Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection..."

But she did.



After my wife died I couldn't look at another woman for 20 years.

But when I got out of prison it was worth it.



When I tell people that I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased.

Maybe I should find a better way of telling them that I wake up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own piss.



I was fired from my job today for telling a woman that her hair smelled great.

They're just discriminating against me because I'm a midget.
 
deMort said:
If you cut off your left arm

Your right arm will be left.

and I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
 
Velcro.......it's such a rip off.
 
My girlfriend got flashed at off a bloke in a car. Police asked if he was in an erect state. She said no, a saloon.
 
Demort, you're like Niki Lauda with the one liners.....on fire!
 
:hand:
 
FZP said:
Demort, you're like Niki Lauda with the one liners.....on fire!


Awww .. got me laughing that did .. then i felt guilty .. covers all bases lol .
 
For anyone wanting some comfort, a word can help. Plethora - it means a lot.
 
I lost a court case against a popular fabric softener - I fought Lenor, and Lenor won.
 
This isn't a one liner so sorry to go off subject.

Speech therapist is trying to cure 3 men in her class from stammering. After a few days she's losing patience with them so says 'look guys you've got 30 minutes to sort yourselves out, the first man who can say the name of a UK city without stammering will get a BJ off me'

All the guys go away and frantically practice, then come back into the room.

So says the teacher, one at a time, go on say the city name.
1st guy B... Bir...Min... Mingham Nope no good next

2nd guy M M Man..Chest... Er Nope no good next

3rd guy London Excellent you win come with me,

whilst he's getting his reward he blurts out Derry!
 

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